So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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