Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
