I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That reminds me...we need to get swords
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
