Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
