my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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