i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
