my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
