I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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