The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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