Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
