Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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