3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
