were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
