When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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