i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Acid is not a monday night drug
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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