my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
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I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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