Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
