All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
