Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
