I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
