i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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