Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
