So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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