I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
