I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
