you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
