just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
