Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
