I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
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Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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