The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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