We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
