Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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