I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
