I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize