I think I died a long time ago.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long