you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers