I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
