I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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