If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
