did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i drank out of a bidet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
