my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize