I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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