I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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