i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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