what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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