Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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