Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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