My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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