The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
