Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
