I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
