Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up naked with my work shoes on