Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
