Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
