Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
