we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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