I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
