I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
